After birth

Hmmm...Birth. Birth is not quite what I expected it to be like. Pain...yes, drugs...definitely yes!..., privacy...none..., Modest...no..., seriously thought you would die...yesssoouchhhh!!! What was about to happen after the birth when we came home I must say I didn't expect. That is when things became...different. This is the ending of an era and the beginning of the rabbit hole and I took the red pill! Wow! was that an eye opener!

People often warn you about their adventures in pregnancy and lightly drop hints on how you adjust to life after you come home. Books keep your head in a great fantasy world full of super women where if you do this then all will be good in your world. What if you are not a super woman? What if you are just a regular person, ya know, someone like me.

The thing your friends and their suggested motherhood manuals don't tell you is HOW to maintain sanity when you are in the heat of the moment and sleep deprived and there is a tiny human testing her wind pipes at 3 am while trying to remember all their great tips and tricks of the trade for child rearing.

Someone ought to make school for people with kids. They need dressing a baby101 class. To learn how to not break their delicate, little limbs off when you are putting on a Onsie. Onsie. A Onsie is a tee shirt for babies that has snaps in the crotch. That's another class in its self...Baby item vocabulary 102, or how to speak conversation baby language with other parents 103! I swear the names for things like a binky (pacifier/to me that "sucky thing"), a boppy, which is a basically pillow the baby lays on while you breast feed. Not even going to touch on breast feeding yet. Dressing isn't even the beginning. A How to stop a crying child class would be great and how do you do it when you've had no sleep class would be better. I now understand why there are some really messed up people in the world. Their parents got lost in the after birth and are forever in wonderland.

I wonder all the time how my new little baby girl is going to turn out in a month, a year, ten years from now from the choices I make for us. I wonder what she is thinking, I wonder if she loves me, I wonder if I will be able to endure the hard times that are in our future, I wonder what she will remember of me after I die...Hmmm I wonder.

The life of sleeping in past noon are gone, gone are the days of bar hopping (regularly), gone are the days of reckless love...but still are the days of firsts. First step, first word, first birthday, first Halloween and Christmas. Still are the days of making my own family traditions and instilling value and morals too.I hope I have the strength, wisdom and nerve to form my child into a decent,fun,kind and loving human being. I wonder.

Until the answers come to me I will be lost in wonderland. Wondering and learning how to decipher what cry means what and how to breast feed while walking and how to be somewhere on time when you have an infant and how to accept that I am enough and know that I am just what my daughter needs. I think I am going to enjoy the ride.